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This is a new idea I’ve had to help students prepare for the Written Section of the TOEFL by providing you with a sample essay. I hope to do this fairly regularly.
UPDATE: In fact, I followed up on that promise. Check out a descriptive essay about my favorite sport.
Overall I think one of the biggest problems with the TOEFL Essay is that there are too many problems. Students don’t know what to write about, how to organize it, what level of language to use, what the introduction and conclusion should look like. The best way to address all these problems is to show a sample essay and analyze it. That way you, the dear reader, can take away the lessons you need to learn.
Feel free to add your questions and comments. And your critiques. What do you think I did wrong? What could have been better?
Sample Essay
This topic was taken from the Test of Written English Guide, Fifth Edition (c) 2004 by Educational Testing Services, pg. 23.
Technology is a fundamental part of our modern life. Every day we wake up to an alarm clock, shower by means of indoor plumbing, go to work in a car or subway train, work with a computer or tools and, in the evening we watch television until we fall asleep. It is simply impossible to imagine human life without tools and technology. On the surface it would appear that technology has improved our quality of life by providing more comfort, completing tasks more quickly, and increasing our capabilities. Unfortunately we rarely think deeply about the impacts on our quality of life. For example, technology does lead to a dependence on materials and processes that are damaging to the environment. However, in the end the benefits of technology in providing a high standard of living and solving serious problems outweigh the problems.
As I mentioned in the introduction, technology is inseperable from our standard of living. While we often think of technology as including only complicated electronic devices like TVs, radios, and computers, technology also refers to simpler manmade inventions such as paper. Compared to other writing materials like slate, bark, or papyrus, paper is cheap and easy to make, highly portable, long lasting and easy to write on. Bark and other natural materials are difficult to work with. Chalk on slate is not permanent. Papyrus is difficult to make. It also uses animal skins which can be better used for clothing. We know from history that there was an explosion in book production when paper was introduced to the Western world from China. Although the printing press was obviously a huge innovation in mass production of books, the existence of a cheap, easy-to-make material made the printing press possible. Paper improves our quality of life by preserving ideas from the past, allowing us to learn from people around the globe and to share our knowledge with future generations. In this way, paper has much in common with other technologies like the Internet, the television and the radio which all improve communication by making it faster, cheaper and more convenient.
On the other hand, paper is also an example of how technology can be damaging to the environment. Paper is made from wood pulp and that means cutting down trees. A lot of trees. Trees are essential to provide oxygen to our atmosphere, to protect smaller plants in the forest from the sun and to give food and shelter to animals. Forestry not only damages the forest ecosystem by removing trees, but also because lumberjacks enter forests with chainsaws, trucks and shelters. New highways are built in natural environments. All this human activity negatively affects the environment by killing plant life, scaring away animals and introducing pollution in the form of exhaust fumes and tarring chemicals. Similarly a lot of technology depends on energy, which in this day and age, means oil products. Oil wells are also dug in natural environments scarring the land. Burning oil pollutes the air and oil spills can cause immense damage to the water and the land.
Nonetheless, the benefits of technology far outweigh the costs. First, because the removal of technology from our lives would cause drastic harm to our lifestyle. Can you imagine your life without manmade tools? Second, because in the same way paper provided a cost-effective solution to the problem of transmitting information, someday technology will provide an efficent solution to the problems of pollution and environmental damage. There is no other way to solve these problems besides technology itself. (588 words)
Analysis
I tried to write this in 30 minutes because that’s the time you will have on the TOEFL. The key to this essay is following the instructions: Provide one or two examples. I provided one example, paper.Discuss both positions Talk about the good and bad points of technology not just the side you agree with
Give your own opinion and why This is probably where I fell down. I have a thesis statement and a conclusion that give my opinion that technology is good. But the conclusion introduces a new idea: technology will solve environmental problems. That should be more developed. Probably in the third paragraph I should talk about technological steps that are taken in the paper industry and oil industry to solve environmental issues. But 30 minutes is a short time.
Good points:
- The essay is clearly organized with an introduction, 1 paragraph on the positive side of tech and 1 one the negative side, then a conclusion.
- There are only 2 spelling mistakes and they are hard words: Can you find the mistakes?
- There is a mix of long and short sentences, formal and informal language, passive and active.
- The example, paper, is developed in some detail. And it’s clear why paper is good.
I follow all the instructions. - The essay stays on the topic is technology good or bad?
- I chose one small part of the topic because otherwise I could write all day. In this case, I took one example of technology and developed it to cover the requirements. You won’t have time to write everything you think so pick and choose.
So, how well can you write an essay? Write something up on this topic in 30 minutes and post it here in the comments. I’ll give you some feedback.
Also see my Steps to Writing a Good Essay for a basic idea of the process of writing a good essay.
The most important part of today’s modern life of human, Technology. If we look at our daily life, there are pieces of technology around us like; at summer time we have AC on 24/7 and at winter time heater is on 24/7, we use computer and internet in offices, we eat and drink the pots and the hot water comes from a piece of technology. It is not even possible to stop using technology for one minute. Beside, all these benifits of technology, it has it’s own disadvantages at some points. For example the car that we use to go to office, is technology, without car it is hard for us to reach to our office. But the smoke and the gas that it makes during use of it, makes the air poluted, which is one of the disadvantages of technology. Still scientists are providing and working on more technologies to solve these issues.
As I added before, technology is important, they are all human beings’ inventions and hard work such as; computer. As we know nowadays computer is the neccessary part of an office, employees will face defficulties and problems without computer. It makes much easier for people to work like it does a person’s work in a short time period and more organized. All people around the world use internet to communicarte with each other, but not with out computer. Like all technology devices, computer can be harmful sometimes as well. Headach is one of the harms of using alot of this device. While using computer some times, different rays can be transmitted to our body which causes headach. But we use medicine for our headach which is also technology. So all the technical devices that we use, are both benifitial and harmful. But if it is harmful and creats problem again technology is there to solve the problem and make it benifitial.
At the end, I want to metion that life without technology is like a house without ceiling, hard to live in it. If technology provide us all the comforts in our life, it can find the solutions to the harms that it creats.
My name is Samea Shanori, and I read your site like everyday and I want to thank you for all you work.
I have written my Essay above, can you please let me know what are the mistakes i have on this essay.
Thank you
Samea
Samea, I know your name. It’s Mr. Walton! Glad you like the blog.
Your essay is pretty good. You have a lot of examples and good connections between your examples. The only problem is that you don’t make it very clear whether you think technology is good or bad. The question asks you to choose one side or the other.
So you might rearrange your essay a bit. First, in the first paragraph add a clear thesis statement, for example: Despite the disadvantages of technology, it is a necessary part of human life and any harm that technology does can be solved by technology itself.
Then in the second paragraph talk about the good points of technology like you do:
As I added before, technology is important, they are all human beings’ inventions and hard work such as; computer. As we know nowadays computer is the neccessary part of an office, employees will face defficulties and problems without computer. It makes much easier for people to work like it does a person’s work in a short time period and more organized. All people around the world use internet to communicarte with each other, but not with out computer.
Talk about the bad points in a new paragraph:
Like all technology devices, computer can be harmful sometimes as well. Headach is one of the harms of using alot of this device. While using computer some times, different rays can be transmitted to our body which causes headach. But we use medicine for our headach which is also technology. So all the technical devices that we use, are both benifitial and harmful. But if it is harmful and creats problem again technology is there to solve the problem and make it benifitial.
Maybe add another example of how technology overcomes problems.
That makes it much clearer that overall you support technology.
Overall it is a pretty good essay.
Good to know you read this blog. Feel free to comment more often!
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There are different stages in life were one has to make life turning decisions. For example choosing a good school, right profession and loving life partner etc. Such crucial decisions will leads to better future or not better future. I personally always want to make such decisions only after discussing with people who have experience and knowledge in those areas. So that they can guide in a way which is best appropriate. Parents, teachers and close friends always are supportive people in our life. It is always appropriate to involve such important people in your decision making process. If you classify the life as 3 decision stages like educational stage, job stage and marriage stage that can itself put together to build some one’s life. All these major decision in each stage are made carefully and cautiously so that each one’s future is secured. I could support the statement “” Never make important decision alone”: with 3 major reasons.
First and the fore most reason to support the decision making is always good to do in conjunction with others is because, candidate get more options and others point of view towards to the candidate’s own selection. This will help the candidate to further choose a Good school which provides quality education and best facilities. On the other hand candidates who make decision alone with his/hers limited knowledge might end up in choosing law standard schools which would end up in discontinuing the education itself.
Second main reason is when someone chooses the professional career he/she should involve experienced person to evaluate all the advantages and disadvantages. If the person involves someone who has previous experience or still working in the same field can provide more relevant information on the opportunity, scope and future of the career. For example, my own life experiences were I decided to choose research as my career. I could only understand the monetary benefit even though there were other hidden consequences. Later I discontinued the job because of lack of performance. I did not realize the fact of losing my previous job until my professor explained the reason was wrong educational background. He even guided me to the best options in the industry that exactly suites. Later I got a job that really fits my career. Now I am enjoying my new job and got promoted recently as a senior manager. Thank god I asked my professor’s about his opinion.
Last but not the least the third import decision that you make in your life would be marriage and I would definitely involve my parents and friends before choosing my life partner. Because parents and friends know what type of person I am and they also know what are my likes and dislikes. They would be the right support for me choose my right partner.
In conclusion, to be successful in life one has to make right decisions at right time. Decision making is crucial in achieving a goal or a dream in some one’s life. You also need to be careful sometimes when involving others in your decision making because choosing the right person’s right matters. You should be also predetermined that to what extend you should accept the opinions and suggestion provided by others in making a decision. “Remember the final dialogue of your decision should be ultimately your” .
JIJO, I assume this is a sample TOEFL essay you want feedback on.
Not bad overall. I would make the essay a little more focused. If the topic is, “Don’t make important decisions alone”, stick to that. You seem to move between writing an essay on that topic and writing about the three most important decisions in life. The idea that there are 3 important decisions is a good idea, but here it gets you off-topic.
I would do it a bit more like this.
Intro: There are many different decisions we have to make in life. I prefer to discuss with others who guide, have experience, knowledge, close people….And especially there are 3 major decisions you should never make alone – university,job,spouse.
P1: University because if you consult with others, you can learn about new options you don’t know about.
example.
P2: Job because others have better knowledge of area, and industry
example.
P3: Spouse because others know your character better than you
Conclusion: Consulting others always leads to better decisions but remember that in the end, you have to make the decision yourself.
That kind of outline would make it a little more focused.
Overall grammar and vocab is good. Be careful of plural and singular nouns and verbs/subjects. You have a few errors there.
Hope that helps.
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